Complete and utter crap. There's only one way to describe ITV's schedule tonight, and I've just done it.
It's the Saturday before Christmas. Around the UK, millions of families are coming together for the festive period and how does ITV reward us? Like this:
7.15pm: Britain sings Christmas: Whether it's taking part in carol concerts or eagerly awaiting the announcement of the Christmas number one, music is a big part of many people's seasonal celebrations. But what really gets the nation in the festive mood and full of goodwill to all men - a church choir performing Silent Night or Slade belting out Merry Xmas Everybody? Kate Thornton offers viewers the chance to have their say, as the public are asked to pick the yuletide favourites which mean the most to them. The tunes, which range from traditional hymns to contemporary hits, have been selected by a YouGov poll, and the viewers will choose the top 10, which will be performed by a celebrity choir. Names taking part in the sing-song include Claire Goose, Kim Wilde and Gaby Roslin, while Fame Academy voice coaches David and Carrie Grant will be on hand to make sure they're in the right key. As well as provoking festive debate and getting many people singing along at home, the programme will also be benefiting a very good
8.15pm: Star Traders: The Christmas Challenge: Phillip Schofield hosts this one-off special in which pop star-turned-presenter Myleene Klass and rugby player and reigning Dancing on Ice champion Kyran Bracken take a small item and proceed to `trade it up' into something more outstanding and bigger. By the end of the show, they will hopefully have something of great value that can be auctioned off for charity. The challenge, which is pre-recorded, could take the duo all over the country and to complete it they must use every resource possible - celebrity friends, charm, brains and all their ingenuity. At the end of the show, their final lot is revealed and it goes under the hammer - courtesy of a celebrity auctioneer - live in the studio, with all the proceeds going to the children's homeless charity, Shelter. As well as several guest appearances, the programme also features a studio challenge hosted by Coleen McLoughlin, in her first appearance since signing to ITV
9.15pm: An audience with Celine Dion: Fresh from her five-year residency at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, the diva wows an audience of peers with some of her greatest hits - including Think Twice, I Drove All Night and My Heart Will Go On, as well as tracks from her new album Taking Chances - and answers questions about her 20-year career. Celebrities in the audience include Katie Price and Peter Andre, Louis Walsh, Shayne Ward, Lacey Turner, Lemar, Kelly Holmes, Shane Richie, Will Mellor, Ulrika Jonsson, Brian McFadden, Stephen Gateley and George Takei
10.15pm: Parkinson: The Final Show: It's the end of an era as Michael Parkinson presents the last of three special editions bringing his 36 years as a TV chat show host to a close. Tonight though, there are no live guests - just Michael sharing his memories of his favourite encounters, many of which have reached legendary status - Muhammad Ali, Fred Astaire, Richard Burton and Orson Welles, to name but a few. Parkinson first became established as a regular fixture on Saturday nights over on the BBC, where his chat show began back in 1971, and throughout the years, he has interviewed thousands of guests, reading like a who's who of popular culture over the past four decades. Since his arrival at ITV in 2004 he has welcomed stars including Tom Cruise, Madonna, John Travolta, Prime Minister Tony Blair, Elton John, Ricky Gervais, Robbie Williams, Lauren Bacall, Paul McCartney, Bette Midler and Kate Winslet. What better way to pay tribute to Britain's number one talk show host than to wallow in the nostalgia of his favourite.
So, in a nutshell, no mark celebrities doing Christmas followed by naff celebrity version of naff gameshow followed by past-her-best singer doing naff live concert for no mark celebrities followed by way-past-his-best talk show host presenting the best bits of his show, most of which were when he was on BBC 1. Great. You'd never have thought ITV had assumed everyone will be watching the final of Strictly Come Dancing (BBc 1, 5.50pm), would you?
In terms of what is worth watching tonight, Channel 5's run of Polar Bear Adventures with Nigel Marven (7.15pm) sadly comes to an end tonight. On the shores of Hudson Bay in the Artic, Marven witnesses a polar bear and her cubs heading out onto the newly-formed ice for the first time. Stunning photography presented by a captivating expert.
Going deeper in the Sky channel numbers, BBC 3 has what should be a thoroughly enjoyable countdown programme - The Most Annoying People of the Year (10.10pm). They will be showcasing the 100 most cringeworthy people, fads and fashions of the year from the worlds of entertainment, politics, music and sport. Featuring the moments that made people groan but which many secretly enjoyed, the first of these celebratory tongue-in-cheek programmes counts down the bottom 50 in the chart. The final 50 will be revealed in tomorrow's show
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